When I was younger, I had a boyfriend who came with me to visit Puerto Rico. I shared my language and culture, and at one point or another, got frustrated with specific questions about the language or with serving as a translator. Due to my insecurities with the language, it bothered me that I couldn’t support him linguistically. I felt put on the spot as the translator since growing up outside of my home country meant I was still learning as well.

When I started dating my partner, I felt there was a new opportunity to engage differently. However, just because you share a culture and a language, or languages, doesn’t mean you have had identical experiences and therefore the same mindset around how to use language. This week, I think about how we use language to connect to our identity while in partnership. While my experience focuses on practicing Spanish in partnership in this week’s blog, the ideas are actually applicable to non-romantic relationships like friendships and family as well.

Friendship in English

My partner and I have very similar backgrounds. We are both Puerto Rican. We grew up (primarily) in the diaspora. Our dads were in the military, but our families continued to visit Puerto Rico throughout our childhood. We have such similar backgrounds that we even lived in similar locations at many points throughout childhood (Sabana Seca, Pensacola, Ft. Meade). And yet, we have very different language backgrounds, and so coming together as a couple and deciding which language to speak was a bit of a process. 

Since we both grew up (primarily) in the diaspora, we were both dominant English speakers. Still, we also both spoke a substantial amount of Spanish (more or less over the years, depending on our situations). But we never talked in Spanish to each other. When we were at parties with families and friends, los jóvenes would speak to each other in English, and then we would talk to los adultos in Spanish. Looking back, I don’t think it was an intentional choice, and I’m certain Spanglish was sprinkled throughout both dynamics. Still, overall, the conversations with the kids were in English, and the conversations with the adults were in Spanish. 

(Pensacola, Florida, in the 90s, left to right, my sister Crystal, my sister Tammy, me, and my partner)

Dating: More English with Pitstops in Spanish

When we first started dating, we both had our own experiences connecting with the language and culture. My partner had lived in Puerto Rico on and off through the years and had friends on and off the island who spoke Spanish. These relationships helped him stay connected to the language. I, however, had never gone to school on the island, so my connection was through traditional Puerto Rican music. Initially, my connections were with practitioners off the island and then with those on the island. So when we first started dating, there was an interesting dynamic where, depending on the space one of us would feel more comfortable speaking Spanish than the other because we were using different vocabulary and references in each. I remember admiring his use of social language to connect with our peers. Meanwhile, most of my references were cultural y con los viejitos.😅 I may have felt more fluid in speaking, but my vocabulary was not aligned with my peer group (which was quite awkward).

Language Tensions

Despite both knowing Spanish, a few challenges prevented us from using it together. 

Challenge 1: We never explicitly had a conversation about our comfort level with Spanish. 

Challenge 2: We both had to be vulnerable in using the language in different ways that suited our unique strengths.

Essentially, establishing a relationship with someone you already know in a new language means establishing a new relationship. 

Introducing Relationship 2.0 (En español)

To address the first challenge, we had to start by talking about the other’s language strengths. He shared with me that he admired my ability to speak with more fluency. I shared with him that I admired his ability to speak in Spanish to the culture from a lived experience. We both spoke about certain insecurities with the language. This gave us both an opportunity to lift up the other one’s unique language abilities and also be vulnerable.

Sidenote: A reference that he had to educate me on was “El Anuncio de Harris Paint Los Colores De Mi Tierra“; a cultural reference I was unaware of until he helped me out. 😂

For the second challenge, we started exploring 3rd party locations, traveling locally and abroad. In these spaces, we would feel more connected by the language than separate. Even in a place like Spain, our version of Spanish was more similar to one another than the rest of the community. This helped us feel more unified in our view of language. Later, we even spent a few years living in Puerto Rico building our language skills together.

One of the difficulties of practicing a new language with your partner is being vulnerable. But another difficulty is balancing your initial connection/common language with your new connection/language. This is why, for us, Spanglish is our favorite language. It gives us the freedom to continue to learn while also telling jokes seamlessly in the language best suited for the joke (because, uno nunca sabe) 😏. Over time, we were able to establish a new version of the relationship and closeness that included English, Spanish, and now, our most common language, Spanglish. 

Conclusion

All of this to say that all of these language views and insecurities are happening for each person on an individual level all the time. Deciding to be in partnership means that you are balancing language views and goals. The more that you can decide together how to elevate one another’s strengths, the more confident you can be to take risks together. Hopefully, this conversation will help you not only achieve language goals together but also uncover another layer of your relationship.